Longview restaurant review: Cottesloe eatery has everything going for it, but the food is ‘rubbish’

Remember the Blue Duck? It was Cottesloe’s seaside restaurant of choice for the lads that brunched back in the WA Inc. days. Lunch was always at the storied Mediterranean restaurant in Subiaco, but for the morning coffee crew, like Laurie, Bondy, Tony (Oates), flashy property developers and even flashier stockbrokers, it was their crib for breakfasts and boozy weekend brunches. Weekends often included family, which meant every now and then wives and mistresses would find themselves at the Duck at the same time. Awkward, and sometimes shouty. Birkins at 10 paces. Perth’s high-profile wide boys would huddle at tables to work on solutions to life’s big questions: how to trade insolvent without looking like you’re trading insolvent? They were heady days. Was there a better place for the lotus eaters and spivs of the era to park their Rollers and burnish their egos over a Crown Lager or 10? The “Duck” as it was known, stumbled along for many years. The big attraction remained those views, those coveted tables on its narrow balcony, the shimmery, summery hedonism of it all. The food lost its way. It was purchased about 2004 by the current owners It’s now called Longview. The dining room is a class act. Gone is any semblance to the Duck of old. The interior is fresh, modern and smart as a pin. The deck is wider. The chairs are comfortable, the napkins are linen and the colours are shades of grey and grey-blue, a perfect contrast for the ocean and sky. Very smart. It was heaving on the hot day we reviewed. Holly Bailey is the restaurant manager. Her service was switched on. Likewise her knowledge of dishes and wines. She recommended a Croix de Bezard Picpoul with the fish. It so happens we like Picpoul. A lot. It’s a lean, green, dry white with moderate acidity, but you don’t see it often in Australia. Lovely. You may have guessed by now that I’m delaying talking about the food. I’m dragging the chain because this gives me no pleasure. Longview is a great restaurant with good staff, a superb small wine list, good cocktail making and the day we went, rubbish food. It didn’t seem like anyone gave a damn about what was being plated up. If you served this stuff in a mining camp wet mess, it might be a tools-down walkout. Where are the owners? Have they been doing regular tastings of the dishes — as successful owners do weekly and sometimes daily? If they have, you would think they’d give the chef a right old bollocking based on the dishes we tried. Fried Sichuan pepper tofu with Japanese salad, $18, was bland and flabby and had none of the nice lip-numbing tingle one expects from Sichuan pepper. The so-called “Japanese salad” lost its will to live thanks to the shed loads of cheap Japanese pickled ginger strewn through it, which carpet-bombed the taste buds. Apparently it was dressed with a “ponzu sauce”. Coulda fooled me. It was vastly under-seasoned. Limp. Tired. Bloody awful. Salt and pepper squid, $23, was like the offcuts from lap-band surgery. The flabby strings of deep-fried squid lacked crunch and seasoning. Flavour was MIA. An “Asian salad” was, again, utterly underwhelming. Where it could have been perky and boisterous with lime juice, palm sugar and fish sauce, it was unrelentingly dull. An “ancient grain salad” was a mashup of grapes, soggy pistachio nuts and grains as hard as a kookaburra’s beak. Undercooked? Ever eaten buckshot? $14. Pork hock with smoked barramundi, $27, was an improvement. The nuggets of slow-cooked pork had been given colour and crunch. Not so sure about the smoked barra. Pork and shellfish go well together (scallops and chorizo, oysters and fried bacon, pork and prawn dumplings) but smoked fish and crispy hock are not immediate friends. Rottnest Island crayfish slider, $19, was a vast improvement. The cold, chunked lobster was pristine and juicy. The “toasted brioche” bun was OK. A gummy “lime aioli” had neither lime or garlic. It tasted like store-bought mayo. “Catch of the day” was market-priced at $44. One could smell it as soon as it hit the table. It wasn’t off, yet, but it was squiffy, perhaps from bad coolroom practices or from hanging out on the bench too long. Yeah nah. Coffee was terrific. So, the food is a bit of a disaster, but even on the sizzling day we dined, the room and the balcony were doing good business. It was interesting that most of the customers were 70-somethings. Take interstate guests or your elderly aunt to Longview for drinks, marinated olives and oysters. You, and they, will have a stunning time. But maybe don’t eat. Longview 151 Marine Pde, Cottesloe 08 9385 2499 longviewcottesloe.com.au Open: Wednesday-Sunday, breakfast, lunch and dinner from 6:30am. Prices: Starters/Entrees, $19-$27. Oysters. $4. Mains/Pasta, $29-$95. Sides, $8-$14. The buzz: Great spot for drinks, interesting wines, smart service from a switched on floor team, lovely room and those epic, wonderful views. The food we sampled didn’t add to the experience. 9/20