Anxiety Aunt: Should I call out a friend who is excluding me from group get-togethers?

Dear Aunty, I can’t help feeling that a woman in my social circle is trying to shut me out. There have been a couple of occasions where she has sent a group message to organise a catch-up or start a conversation about a specific topic and has forgotten to add me in. Our other friends quickly point it out and I am then added but I feel like it’s a very passive-aggressive move on her part and I question her motives. Most recently she organised a catch-up at her place but instead of doing a transparent group chat where we could see who was invited, she sent out individual texts. When everyone arrived at her house a few asked why I wasn’t there. She said she had forgotten but would call and invite me, but of course the catch-up was already under way and I was out doing something else. I asked one friend if she thought she was doing it on purpose and she said she wasn’t sure but maybe I was reading too much into it. But I can’t help feeling there is more to it. What should I do? Yours, Uneasy Dear Uneasy, My dear, One tends to agree with you that your so-called friend is playing power games. Based on the information that you have provided (which was lengthier than this edited submission) it sounds as though she is excluding you in a way that makes it look like a simple mistake rather than her purposely shutting you out. So not only is she bullying by exclusion, but she is gaslighting you at the same time. One would usually just suggest this is a friendship you do not need and encourage you to ditch her, but extricating yourself from a friendship becomes more complicated when you are part of a larger group that regularly catches up. In your Aunt’s opinion, the best way to deal with covert bad behaviour is to bring it out into the light. Bullies are a bit like vampires, they prefer to operate in the dark so when you shed light on the situation they scarper. Here’s how your Aunt would handle this situation: One would wait until all your friends are next together and then in a lighthearted manner bring up a few of the instances where you have been “forgotten” about, joke that you feel invisible or unseen and suggest that perhaps the friend in question has the wrong contact details for you and make a show of resending them to her. Don’t be rude or aggressive or accusatory, just simply make your friends aware that this wasn’t a one-off occasion. She will likely get the message that you are on to her and having been exposed so publicly, it is unlikely she will repeat her behaviour lest you call her out again. This may not be how a professional may advise you to handle the situation but from your Aunt’s experience, outbluffing and exposing a bully is generally the best way to nip the behaviour in the bud. If you are willing to try this approach and it fails to prevent her excluding you in future, please let your Aunt know and we can reconvene to work out a second plan of action. Now, given the downbeat nature of this column, here’s a sweet little story that might reaffirm your faith in humanity. Some of you might remember that a couple of weeks ago your Aunt wrote about a reader who had been in touch to offer your Aunt some fresh honey, and that One was slightly concerned that might be a euphemism for something ungodly. Well, imagine One’s surprise when the gentleman in question got in his car and drove all the way from some far-flung southern suburb to deliver said honey to your Aunt. He was accompanied by his trusty greyhound Sophie, who is extremely needy, which is why she could not be left home alone for the length of time it would take her master to fang it up the freeway to deliver the unsolicited honey. Despite being somewhat neurotic, Sophie is an excellent wing woman and no doubt kept the UBD open to the correct page while her master kept his eyes on the road. One is happy to report that the honey was delicious and that man and K9 made it home safely.