Sleep divorce: How staying in separate beds can save your marriage

Poor sleep habits, whether snoring, tossing and turning or late-night bathroom trips, can take a real toll on a partner’s rest.

For some women, sharing a bed with a restless sleeper can make a good night’s sleep feel impossible.

Monique van Tulder, 58, from Sydney, NSW, found the solution was surprisingly simple: sleeping separately from her husband.

The move has preserved not just van Tulder’s sleep but her relationship too.

“My husband has always been a horrendous sleeper. I was a great sleeper, he was horrendous,” van Tulder said.

“When we got married 25 years ago, of course the normal thing done is to sleep in the same bed.”

The mum-of-two said everything changed when they had children, now in their 20s.

“If the child’s not waking you up, it’s your husband ... And I thought, ‘How many more years do I have to walk through life like this?’” van Tulder said.

‘Best night’s sleep’

Over a decade ago, while her husband was away on his annual golf trip, van Tulder had the bed all to herself, as she did every year while he was away.

“I just had the best night’s sleep,” she said, reflecting on the moment she decided to start sleeping separately from her husband permanently.

Before he returned, van Tulder organised a removalist to take away the “very expensive king-sized bed” and ordered two king single beds to be delivered.

“My husband came home to a big surprise,” van Tulder said.

After the initial shock wore off, van Tulder said her husband quickly got used to the idea and was more concerned about wasting the king-sized bed.

While sleeping separately may seem unusual to some, van Tulder recalled her European grandparents having separate twin beds, so the concept didn’t feel strange.

Even on holidays, they’ll toss a coin to decide who sleeps on the queen bed and who takes the rollaway.

“It was just never, ever in the same bed ever again,” van Tulder said.

Research from ResMed, a global sleep technology company, shows 56 per cent of married women say their partner disrupts their sleep, with snoring, late-night bathroom trips and different sleep schedules the main culprits.

Alison Wimms, Director of Medical Affairs at ResMed, said sleep disruptions in couples are common but women often feel the impact more.

“ResMed has found almost half of Australian women wake up feeling well-rested only three nights or fewer a week,” Wimms said.

“What’s more, women are more likely than men to struggle with brain fog, irritability and anxiety due to poor rest.

“This could be down to several factors including hormonal changes, higher stress loads, or more caregiving responsibilities.

“But, when you add partner disturbances into the mix, like snoring, restlessness or different sleep schedules, it can make it even harder to get proper rest.”

Separate beds not always a sign of marriage trouble

Van Tulder, who is a wellbeing expert and best-selling author, believes sleeping separately saved both her sleep and her relationship, challenging the misconception that it signals trouble.

“It’s quite the contrary,” van Tulder said, adding friends automatically assumed there must be an issue.

“If you’re looking at somebody through sleep-deprived eyes, they look like s***, even if they’re a fantastic person.

“But when you’ve had a decent night’s sleep, you have energy for your partner.”

The same applies to intimacy, she said.

“If you’ve had sleep, everybody looks better. You know, you feel better about yourself. And, you know, your partner looks better,” van Tulder said.

“If you’re exhausted, you only go through the motions anyway, either to make babies or feel like you should. That doesn’t say a lot about a strong, healthy relationship, in my opinion.”

So when do they make time to be intimate? “That’s what holidays are for, isn’t it?” van Tulder said.

The research found sleep deprivation can actually leave couples with less energy for intimacy or quality time, gradually leading to disconnection.

“For some, sleeping apart, whether regularly or on occasion, can actually improve mood, reduce conflict and help them show up better in the relationship,” Wimms said.

“Many couples worry that sleeping separately means their relationship is in trouble, but that’s not necessarily the case.

“The key is to protect both sleep and connection.

“Couples can maintain intimacy by setting aside time to wind down together before bed, keeping consistent sleep routines and being open about what helps each person get a good night’s rest.”